How would my life be changed...

if I already had what I wanted? In other words, if I was thinner, was richer, had a more secure and passionate relationship with my husband, etc, how would my actual living change? Would I spend my days on the couch looking up craftster, or would I actually craft? Perhaps I would be proactive about our business, perhaps I would be take better care of our home and my own body and spirit.

If the hubby and I had regular, sometimes raunchy sex 3x a week as a normal thing, how would I behave? I would probably feel much more open to initiate, to wink, flirt, clean up the house, do little things for him. I would start planning for the future, instead of trying to regain the past. I would just quietly do things instead of resentfully waiting for them to never happen.

In the morning, I would wake up, roll over, and give him a kiss. Maybe get up, get breakfast going, dress nicely, be sociable, and give him space without wondering if he's spending his energies on another woman. I would pursue my art, crafts, tours, and such with love but also with independent relentless drive. When I was at work, I would be at work, when at home, I'd take care of responsiblities first.

But what's keeping me from this? Memories of a dissapointed, restricted childhood? A horrid failure of a wedding? That's in the past, and all hurt that has occured from assholes or people who weren't able to give me what I needed has already happened. I control how they can still affect me, after all I can dump those people who don't benefit me from my life and they can do nothing. If I've chosen to keep them in my life, it's up to me to forgive it, change it, or reconsider how they are in my life. It's also up to me to keep ouchie memories from festering into a growing gangrene of a complex.

Laura is out of my life. So is Catherine, the Cagens, Roger, the College, Lynn, Susan, Lauren, etc. So, for that matter, is Andrea, who never was in my life to begin with. I did no wrong, and if it was going to ruin my life what he did, I could have ended our relationship and began a new one. It was his flaws, his fault, and 100% his decision. In fact, I still could. But as I have chosen not to, I owe it to both of us to make my forgiveness complete or move on to let both of us stop being so upset. Right now I don't know if I can go "back to the way things used to be". I don't even rightly remember the way that was, and I don't think that necessarily the way things were for him then and me then were the same thing.

But I can do my part to court him. I can try everything I was too scared to try, too lazy to try, too "living at home with my parents" to try, too angry at the past to try. I can only imagine that if I felt I'd lost my muse, felt $1 away from doom, felt that even if I could find a job I'd just get fired, and felt that I'd done something irrevokabley wrong on top of never being able to make someone happy anyway, I might feel a bit like hiding in my office. Might feel like I can't find a starting point, and all that shiz. I already have been feeling like this for years, and if I have even the slightest bit of greater understanding now than before, perhaps it has been won so that I can help lead him out of the same situation.

A rubbed back, a meal, a bit of affection, a bit of flirting and sex, a clean and pretty house, a clean and pretty partner, a partner who steadily works to grow the family's prosperity, a partner who plans occasions to show their love... this is what I want. It's what I'm afraid of being for him, because he hasn't been it to me, and I'd hate to have yet again another one way street relationship with him.

But perhaps he's feeling the same. Perhaps I should muster up the effort and take a risk. If it doesn't work, if it doesn't help, then I'll know that I might need to reconsider other avenues like counseling, etc.